The Best Quotes of All Time

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”

- Les Brown

“A goal is a dream with a deadline.”

- Napoleon Hill

“The road to success and the road to failure are almost exactly the same.”

- Colin R. Davis

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”

- Mark Twain

“Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.”

- Stephen R. Covey

“Anyone can do something when they want to do it. Really successful people do things when they don’twant to do it.”

- Dr. Phil

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.”

- Robert Frost

“All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.”

- Henry David Thoreau

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

- Zig Ziglar

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

- W. Clement Stone

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

- Mark Twain

“The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.”

-Vince Lombardi

“In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.”

- Theodore Roosevelt

“Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self control — these three alone lead to power.”

- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

“I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.”

- Thomas Jefferson

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

- Thomas Edison

“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.”

- Walt Disney

“No one can cheat you out of ultimate success but yourself.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.”

– Bill Cosby

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.”

– Steve Jobs

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

– Carl Bard

“Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.”

- Samuel Johnson

“Every artist was first an amateur.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”

- Milton Berle

Below you can find our original article (published on October 5, 2010) and our picks for some of the best quotes of all time in a variety of different categories.

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What are the best quotes of all time for you? Have you ever heard a simple line that inspired you to make a major change in your life? Has a quote ever changed your mind on an important issue or made you think about something in a different way? Do you just enjoy reading daily quotes, seeking a smile or a bit of motivation?

Everyone’s choices for the best quotes of all time will vary based on what influences them. But we’ve looked through hundreds of quotes and picked some of the best quotes of all time across several different categories to share with you here today. Enjoy them below, and if another quote didn’t make the list but you absolutely love it, please share it with us in the comments.

Please note: Categories are listed alphabetically, and within each category individual quotes are in no particular order. Some quotes have been shared with multiple versions on the Web with slight variations in each. If we ran into these situations, we chose the variation that appeared to be most commonly presented. Also, some quotes could technically fall under multiple categories. In those cases they were placed under the one we felt was most relevant at the time.

Update: Please also check DirJournal’s list of Best Quotes About Life

Age

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on age:

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

- Lucille Ball

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.”

- Henry Ford

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

- George Bernard Shaw

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

- Mark Twain

“No one is so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.”

- Henry David Thoreau

“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.”

- Victor Hugo

“The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.”

- Oscar Wilde

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”

- Benjamin Franklin

“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.”

- Ogden Nash

“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

- Bob Hope

Anger

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on anger:

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.”

- Lee Iacocca

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”

- Maya Angelou

“He who angers you conquers you.”

- Elizabeth Kenny

“Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep.”

- Mohandas Gandhi

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”

- Mark Twain

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

- William Congreve

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.”

- Buddha

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.”

- Aristotle

“Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.”

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

Beauty

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on beauty:

“Beauty, without expression, tires.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.”

- Leo Tolstoy

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

- Margaret Hungerford

“I’m tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?”

- Jean Kerr

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

- Confucius

“Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty – they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.”

- Martin Buxbaum

“It is not beauty that endears; it’s love that makes us see beauty.”

- Leo Tolstoy

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

- Dorothy Parker

“You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”

- Chuck Palahniuk

“Beauty is whatever gives joy.”

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Business

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on business:

“A business absolutely devoted to service will have only one worry about profits. They will be embarrassingly large.”

- Henry Ford

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”

- Robert Frost

“Never burn bridges. Today’s junior jerk, tomorrow’s senior partner.”

- Sigourney Weaver

“The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows.”

- Aristotle Onassis

“It is difficult, but not impossible, to conduct strictly honest business.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

“If your business keeps you so busy that you have no time for anything else, there must be something wrong either with you or with your business.”

- William J. H. Boetcker

“If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work.”

- Kahlil Gibran

“A real entrepreneur is somebody who has no safety net underneath them.”

- Henry Kravis

“Good products can be sold by honest advertising. If you don’t think the product is good, you have no business to be advertising it.”

- David Ogilvy

“Drive your business. Let not your business drive you.”

- Benjamin Franklin

Change

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on change:

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

- Gandhi

“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”

- Oprah Winfrey

“The only thing constant in life is change.”

- Francois de la Rochefoucauld

“He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.”

- Harold Wilson

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

- George Bernard Shaw

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”

- Jacob M. Braude

“No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”

- Charles Darwin

“Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.”

- Confucius

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.”

- Denis Waitley

Children

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on children:

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up ’cause they’re looking for ideas.”

- Paula Poundstone

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

- James Baldwin

“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.”

- Robert A. Heinlein

“There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.”

- Frank A. Clark

“Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children.”

- Oliver Wendell Holmes

“We worry about what a child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.”

- Stacia Tauscher

“We cannot always build the future of our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.”

- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Children are our most valuable resource.”

- Herbert Hoover

“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”

- Martin Mull

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

- Phyllis Diller

Courage

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on courage:

“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”

- E.E. Cummings

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

- Winston Churchill

“Courage is grace under pressure.”

- Ernest Hemingway

“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”

- John Wayne

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

- Mark Twain

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”

- Ambrose Redmoon

“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.”

- Bruce Lee

“Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.”

- John Wooden

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says ‘I’ll try again tomorrow.’”

- Mary Anne Radmacher

“Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage.”

- Confucius

Death

Here are some of our top picks for the best quotes of all time on death:

“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

- Benjamin Franklin

“Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”

- Buddha

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.”

- Albert Einstein

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

- Mark Twain

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.”

- Will Rogers

“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death.”

- Leonardo da Vinci

“The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?”

- Edgar Allan Poe

“Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”

- Napoleon Bonaparte

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

- Mark Twain

Success quotes

Success is the achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted.

To me however it isn’t as simple as that.  Success can be found in everything we do day-in, day-out.  The way we interact with our friends, family and people that we meet; whether we choose to look on things in a positive or negative light; or simply just the way we life our lives.  Success means many different things to different people.  I have collected some of my favorite Success quotes and included them below.  Hope you find them as inspiring as I have.  Enjoy!

“The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.”  ~ Dale Carnegie

“Most successful men have not achieved their distinction by having some new talent or opportunity presented to them. They have developed the opportunity that was at hand.” ~ Bruce Barton

“Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that?s where you will find success.”  ~ Thomas J. Watson

“The successful always has a number of projects planned, to which he looks forward. Anyone of them could change the course of his life overnight.”  ~ Mark Caine

“There are three ingredients in the good life: learning, earning and yearning.” ~ Christopher Morley

“When a man feels throbbing within him the power to do what he undertakes as well as it can possibly be done, this is happiness, this is success.” ~ Orison Swett Marden

“Success doesn’t come to you; you go to it.” ~ Marva Collins

“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.” ~ Vincent T. Lombardi

“Success is a journey, not a destination.” ~ Ben Sweetland

“The difference between failure and success is doing a thing nearly right and doing a thing exactly right.” ~ Edward Simmons

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek.” ~ Mario Andretti

“No one ever attains very eminent success by simply doing what is required of him; it is the amount and excellence of what is over and above the required that determines the greatness of ultimate distinction.”  ~ Charles Kendall Adams

“The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli

“I believe the greater the handicap, the greater the triumph.” ~ John H. Johnson

“My list of ingredients for success is divided into four basic groups: Inward, Outward, Upward and Onward.” ~ David Thomas

“A stumble may prevent a fall.” ~ English Proverb

“Possession of the ball is the key to winning in football, basketball, and the game of life.” ~ Laing Burns, Jr.

“Success is not permanent. The same is also true of failure.” ~ Dell Crossword

“Success often comes to those who have the aptitude to see way down the road.” ~ Laing Burns, Jr.

“There’s no limit to what a man can achieve, if he doesn’t care who gets the credit.” ~ Laing Burns, Jr.

“Truth, self-control, asceticism, generosity, non-injury, constancy in virtue ? these are the means of success, not caste or family.” ~ Mahabharata

“Every one of us, unconsciously, works out a personal philosophy of life, by which we are guided, inspired, and corrected, as time goes on. It is this philosophy by which we measure out our days, and by which we advertise to all about us the man, or woman, that we are. . . . It takes but a brief time to scent the life philosophy of anyone. It is defined in the conversation, in the look of the eye, and in the general mien of the person. It has no hiding place. It’s like the perfume of the flower; unseen, but known almost instantly. It is the possession of the successful, and the happy.  And it can be greatly embellished by the absorption of ideas and experiences of the useful of this earth.” ~ George Matthew Adams

“It is easy to get to the top after you get through the crowd at the bottom.” ~ unknown

“Unless you’re willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won’t happen.” ~ Phillip Adams

“Failure seems to be regarded as the one unpardonable crime, success as the all-redeeming virtue, the acquisition of wealth as the single worthy aim of life. The hair-raising revelations of skullduggery and grand-scale thievery merely incite others to surpass by yet bolder outrages and more corrupt combinations.” ~ Charles Francis Adams II

“Few men have the natural strength to honor a friend’s success without envy.” ~ Aeschylus

“Health, happiness and success depend upon the fighting spirit of each person. The big thing is not what happens to us in life – but what we do about what happens to us.” ~ George Allen

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.” ~ Woody Allen

“The worst bankrupt in the world is the man who has lost his enthusiasm. Let a man lose everything else in the world but his enthusiasm and he will come through again to success.” ~ H.W. Arnold

“One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.” ~ Arthur Ashe

“The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.” ~ Lady Nancy Astor

“It is a shameful thing for the soul to faint while the body still perseveres.” ~ Marcus Aurelius Antonimus

“Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.” ~ Roger Ward Babson

“I was made to work. If you are equally industrious, you will be equally successful.” ~ Johann Sebastian Bach

“Whatever task you undertake, do it with all your heart and soul. Always be courteous, never be discouraged. Beware of him who promises something for nothing. Do not blame anybody for your mistakes and failures. Do not look for approval except the consciousness of doing your best.” ~ Bernard Mannes baruch

“If there is any one axiom that I have tried to live up to in trying to become successful in business, it is the fact that I have tried to surround myself with associates that know more about business than I do. This policy has always been very successful and is still working for me.” ~ Monte L. Bean

“The most successful men in the end are those whose success is the result of steady accretion. . . It is the man who carefully advances step by step, with his mind becoming wider and wider and progressively better able to grasp any theme or situation, persevering in what he knows to be practical, and concentrating his thought upon it, who is bound to succeed in the greatest degree.” ~ Alexander Graham Bell

“The toughest thing about success is that you’ve got to keep on being a success. Talent is only a starting point in business. You’ve got to keep working that talent.” ~ Irving Berlin

“Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction.” ~ Al Bernstein

“Meet success like a gentleman and disaster like a man.” ~ Frederick Edwin Smith, Lord Birkenhead

“If at first you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy.” ~ H. Duane Black

“The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of work.” ~ Sarah Knowles Bolton

“Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.” ~ Erma Bombeck

“Successful men are influenced by desire for pleasing results. Failures are influenced by desire for pleasing methods.” ~ Frank E. Brennan

“Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.” ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers

“Experience shows that success is due less to ability than to zeal. The winner is he who gives himself to his work, body and soul.” ~ Sir Thomas Fowell Buxton

“The road to success is not to be run upon by seven-leagued boots. Step by step, little by little, bit by bit?that is the way to wealth, that is the way to wisdom, that is the way to glory.” ~ Sir Thomas Fowell Buxton

“They never fail who die in a great cause.” ~ George Gordon, Lord Byron

“Success in business implies optimism, mutual confidence, and fair play. A business man must hold a high opinion of the worth of what he has to sell and he must feel that he is a useful public servant.” ~ R.H. Cabell

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” ~ Herman Cain

“The important thing to recognize is that it takes a team, and the team ought to get credit for the wins and the losses. Successes have many?fathers, failures have none.” ~ Philip Caldwell

“The look of success, when it is worn a certain way, would infuriate a jackass.” ~ Albert Camus

“Your successes and happiness are forgiven you only if you generously consent to share them.” ~ Albert Camus

“It takes 20 years to make an overnight success.” ~ Eddie Cantor

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” ~ Truman Capote

Lots of Sarcastic quotes

 A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
•    Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
•    Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
•    Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
•    Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
•    Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
•    Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
•    Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from your ass.
•    He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
•    Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
•    I bet you get bullied a lot. 
•    I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
•    I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
•    I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
•    I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
•    I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
•    I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day. 
•    I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
•    I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
•    I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
•    I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
•    I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
•    If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
•    If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
•    If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
•    If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid. 
•    I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
•    I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
•    I'm impressed; I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before. 
•    I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
•    Now we know why some animals eat their own children. 
•    Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
•    People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
•    Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
•    She's the first in her family born without tail.
•    Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
•    That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
•    There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
•    This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
•    What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
•    Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
•    What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home? 
•    When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
•    You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
•    You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
•    You are not even beneath my contempt.
•    You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
•    You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 
•    You grow on people, but so does cancer.
•    You have a nasty speech impediment…your foot.
•    You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
•    You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
•    You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
•    Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
•    You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
•    Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
•    Never miss a good chance to shut up.
•    Can I buy you a drink?
I would think so - why don't you ask the bartender?
•    Can I buy you a drink?
I'd rather just have the cash.
•    Can I have your name?
Why - haven't you already got one?
•    Can I spend the evening with you?
I gave up baby-sitting years ago.
•    Do you mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
•    Have you got a problem with that?
No, only with you.
•    I never forget a face.
Neither do I, but in your case I'll make an exception.
•    I'd like to marry you.
I'd rather skip straight towards the divorce.
•    I'd like to see more of you.
There isn't any more of me.
•    I'm sure I could turn you on.
You couldn't even turn on a radio.
•    I'm sure I've noticed you before.
I'm not sure I've even noticed you yet.
•    Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
No, it's a gun.
•    Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
I know your secret - I work at the clinic.
•    May I introduce myself?
Certainly - try those people over there.
•    My body's like a temple.
I'd have said it was more like an amusement park.
•    Shall we go all the way?
Yes, as long as it's in different directions.
•    Shall we go to your place or mine?
Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
•    Stay a minute and let me get you a drink.
Just give me the cash - I'll get one later.
•    When can we be alone?
When we're not with each other.
•    When should I phone you?
Whenever I'm not there.
•    Where have you been all my life?
What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.
•    Women say I have the gift of the gab.
Wrap it up, then.
•    Would you like to come for a drink with me next week?
I'm not thirsty.
•    You seem to me like a sensible girl.
That's right - I won't go anywhere near you.
•    Your face is absolutely perfect.
So is yours . . . for radio.
•    A few beers short of a six-pack. 
•    All foam, no beer. 
•    An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 
•    As smart as bait. 
•    Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 
•    Chimney's clogged. 
•    Doesn't have all her corn flakes in one box. 
•    Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. 
•    Dumber than a box of hair. 
•    Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 
•    He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 
•    He has an IQ of room temperature. 
•    His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 
•    If she had another brain, it would be lonely. 
•    Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 
•    Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 
•    Skylight leaks a little. 
•    The cheese slid off her cracker. 
•    The lights are on, but nobody's home. 
•    The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 
•    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
•    Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
•    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
•    I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
•    Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
•    I’m smiling. This should scare you.
•    The universe is laughing behind your back.
•    Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
•    If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
•    Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
•    I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
•    Blows are sarcasms turned stupid.
•    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
•    I’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault.
•    This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
•    The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
•    I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.
•    By the time you read this you’ve already read it.
•    Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.
•    lI'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

•    lI understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"

•    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

•    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
•    You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

•    Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!

•    The universe is laughing behind your back.

•    Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

•    Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

•    Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

•    I'm not crazy; my reality is just different than yours.

•    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
•    Love your enemies.. it pisses them off.

•    The human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.

•    A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

•    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

•    If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

•    Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

•    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

•    I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

•    If used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
•    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

•    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

•    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

•    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

•    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

•    The trouble with life is there's no background music.

•    It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

•    Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

•    A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

•    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

•    Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

•    Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

•    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

•    I like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.

•    I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

•    I’m not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

•    Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

•    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

•    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

•    People are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.

•    People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.